


Savouring Memories

by Feather_Dancer



Series: 900 years of wandering [2]
Category: Tales of Arcadia (Cartoons)
Genre: And by fun I mean sad, Fun times in the 12th Century, Gen, Goodbyes unsaid, Grieving, Second Chances, Trying to move on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feather_Dancer/pseuds/Feather_Dancer
Summary: When Merlin had finally contacted the pair of them, ending up back in 12th Century Camelot was hardly high on his expected list and yet here Hisirdoux Casperan was, once again, except this time with three Arcadian teens in tow he needs to somehow keep in one piece without breaking all of history in the process. Still, perhaps in a rare moment of selfishness he wanted to take this impossible opportunity to reconnect with the Lady Morgana le Fey of his youth.
Relationships: Hisirdoux "Douxie" Casperan & Claire Nuñez, Hisirdoux "Douxie" Casperan & Morgana | Pale Lady
Series: 900 years of wandering [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983584
Comments: 9
Kudos: 16





	Savouring Memories

**Author's Note:**

> One morning I woke up with the words "Felt a little nostalgic I guess..." and while it was only going to be a drabble, it decided to grow legs.

As with so many things that happen within this life, everything begins with little more than a humble knock.

"Lady Morgana...?" The door is pushed opened by a crack to avoid having to risk raising his voice too high and grabbing the attention of any of the servants he'd just snuck by on the walkway. The _last_ thing his younger self needs is the gossiping of hens spreading talk about him sneaking about this part of the castle at a strange hour when he'd be expected to be elsewhere, Claire might have an excuse being the newest handmaiden but it was always a bit cat and mouse for him.

"Are you busy at all? I can uh _leave_ if you are."

The silence that greets him makes even the act of breathing feel thunderous. It's exactly what he'd been expecting but it doesn't stop him and internally kicking himself for letting getting his hopes for it to be anything else. Ugh! What was he even _thinking?_ He was right there when the two of them were having yet another fraught argument that near perfectly echoes the first time round and he _knows_ how afterwards things were getting so tense that Merlin had tried to steer him away from her more and more by the day in an attempt to hide the truth. But the concept of having a chance to talk to the **real** her again, even once, without anyone trying to interfere fo-

"The old man allowed you slip away from under his feet for five minutes I gather? Come in come in, I promise not to tell a soul."

Eyes widen blatantly giving away how much Douxie's mind is whirring with trying figure out the best way to mask the surprise before the fear of accidently stalling too long and trying her patience too far snaps him back into focusing on priorities. Slipping inside as quick as light, he rather inappropriately sags against the wood in both relief at not being caught coming _and_ being allowed to come in here in the first place. Looking up he can see a soft smile is given from over by the roar of the fireplace acting as the room's only source of light and it is enough of a reminder to get straightened up and to bow as is the proper means of addressing a member of the court no matter the age you may be currently inhabiting.

"My apologises, and I would appreciate that hugely. Master Merlin has been a bit, relentless? With all the chores he's lining up for me today, I'll still be doing them come supper if it's kept up. I do _kinda_ admit I'm staving off the slorr milking a bit by coming here instead," he admits a little sheepish as it is _mostly_ true even though far more selfish reasons had truly brought him here.

It is surprisingly difficult for the wizard to try and force himself to speak in a more archaic form of English than what he'd use more regularly within modern Arcadia and this is all the while calling upon the proper etiquette that was drilled into him relentlessly as a teen. There _are_ going to be (Even more) slips or slang to be sure though hopefully those can be put down to youthful exuberance but if it happens in the presence of the wrong person that is just asking to put his neck on the line, particularly with someone well known for a ferocious temper when slighted or worse, _crossed_. He'd never been on the receiving end thankfully but had witnessed it enough to be wary.

"Please, you know once that door is closed you need not be so formal with me, we are almost like family are we not?" This is spoken with mirth and with a gesture for the boy to come closer.

"I am honoured if anything that I was chosen to be your excuse."

But even despite the problems of what will happen by putting a foot wrong that would leave his other self to bear the consequences of, this is still _the_ Morgana he fondly remembers growing up with, the numerous prickles aside, and thus he does as bid whilst ensuring to keep hands behind him where they are firmly out of sight.

"My how you are so much less squirrel-like than usual, lamb, and yet trying so hard to be so proper with your words _despite_ being very much without your precious companion too. I had thought you might be wishing keeping a lower profile following being dragged before my brother as you were in such unusual clothes, not to mention you walked with interesting strangers in your party. I am quite _sure_ you have an explanation for what happened to cause this exactly?" The command is soft, a brow rising with expectation of an answer not excuse to be given. Arms are then crossed looking to further the appearance of every bit of the authority her name carries with the delicate ebb and flow of gold tracing across her features by the flame.

All of a sudden he is struck with an intense desire to simply blurt out all the thoughts that have been stewed his mind these past 900 years that he never got any chance to ever say through the innocent reasoning of not realising how truly insignificant the time they had left before she was gone within in a blink from his younger life. But no matter his personal feelings he knows in his heart of hearts he can't and it is because of this he's forced, just for a moment, to look away to have that chance to **breathe** and remind himself that this won't be the only chance he ever will get while they're trapped back here.

_Right?_

"Felt a little nostalgic I guess..." The whisper is barely spoken and riddled with uncertain apologies yet for however it may come across to her, it is enough to meet her gaze properly once more whilst staunchly ignoring the other whispers that demands he tells of them instead.

"I am afraid I'm unable to give you anything specific, just that Master Merlin was involved and wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer anymore than I can as it's all a bit on the _complicated_ side. Those three however I've charged myself with keeping safe despite the extra hassle it's ending up causing everybody and I take responsibility for their actions no matter what that may happen to entail."

Subconsciously his hands had started to move to accentuate and he's forced to physically hold them down again to try and make them stop, unintentionally managing to mirror how she holds her own. Infuriatingly this happening is less of a nerves thing really, more a general bad habit he's picked up from who knows where that when under a lot of pressure about what sort of words he needs to omit for half-truths to work right he ends up emphasising a lot. For his grace she seems more amused by it than anything, presumed childishness and his very different upbringing winning out again!

"More importantly tho, I had wished to tell you how much I appreciated your help with Lady Claire in the throne room. Everything started happening at once and I was just a _bit_ more out of my depth with this one than I'd like, after all you didn't have to make the offer to o--" The pause is sudden with a wince as though realising the wording he was about to use might not have been the best in present company and that requires an even faster correction.

" _Somebody_ who was brought into the kingdom as they were."

"Were you aware of her ability?" She asks sternly not taking her eyes off his own rapidly conflicted appearing ones.

"I saw how you reacted, nary a flinch because you were considerably more worried about the troll that you even tried to dissuade an unjust execution even despite being before the King himself. I dare say even a week ago your reaction would have been a far different one."

 _Ah fuzzbuckets_ , he was afraid of this. Threading his fingers together his hands almost be mistaken for pleading were they not still being kept as low as possible.

"In a technical sense, yep! Buuut _that_ happening was completely unexpected, I had been led to believe that it was something only you could do?" Inwardly he hopes that it will be taken as something genuine and not said in an attempt to stoke her pride. The few users of what felt like an exceptionally rare art he has known of could not move the shadows with such ease and _certainly_ not without a staff held within their hands. Emotionally driven or not it was a feat to behold and something to be keeping **very** careful tabs on and from the way Morgana's lips purse while he speaks, there is a hint that perhaps she may be thinking much along the very same lines before the response seals it with confirmation.

"Shadowmancy as you well know is a particularly delicate art, indeed even dangerous if improperly used. Your bringing her here will prove most fortuitous should she prove to be as strong as that demonstration had suggested. I will be sure to look after her, you have my word as le Fey."

He gives another small bow of gratitude for her words, the relief is immeasurable to say the least. This is the best shot they've got for keeping Claire off the King's radar and instead enjoy a similar protection gifted to himself by Merlin, perhaps it will even help cause a bit of a distraction from the hostilities growing between the two of them by keeping them busy. Honestly even having one less thing to worry over while having to play dodge the paradox mess is more than a blessing and one he won't be speaking any ill of.

"I should be getting out there before anybody notices my absence, thanks ... I mean _thank you_ for having me, as always. We don't seem to get to much anymore since he got fixated on the weapon to protect the kingdom with." There is a great deal of reluctance in his voice but it'd be unfair to Archie covering for him with excuses the longer he dawdles plus the simple fact is more likely something'll happen. Personal want is not really something he really has the freedom to risk if they're to pull this off and get back home again in one piece.

Morgana simply observes with a stoic expression giving nothing of her intentions away. Then, as fast as a breeze she has closed the gap between the pair of them and gently cupped a hand under his chin so that tawny may meet green equally to be studied with an almost unnatural intensity making him blink in worry. Whatever it was she is looking for he cannot fathom and all too soon is he released for the left hand to brush his shoulder with an affectionate pat before being withdrawn again. It all manages to startles enough that for what was likely too long to be plausible, his body completely forgets that it needs oxygen to live and only restarts again with a light cough and swift apology.

"So it would seem, now be off with you! I trust you to keep out of everyone else's hair for at least a day." Proper decorum is resumed once more as though she had not moved a finger at all making for a vivid contrast to the knowing smile that now plays upon her face.

"Even _you_ can manage that, little Douxie, I have the upmost faith in you."

An ache awakens in his chest that had laid dormant, one that had missed the air of casualness that sometimes could exist between them as rare as it could be and something that only could happen because they both share a magical gift helped bridge the gap heritage created by their experiences being so far apart it that would otherwise be impossible to surmount. Everything felt like a painful reminder of something he'd lost so abruptly when his own Master was so touch averse but he had long got used to putting a mask on and pretending everything was fine, it's what made him so ideal for his day job.

"Heh, while I do appreciate the sentiment alas I can make no promises lest I fail to keep them. I wish you a pleasant afternoon and good will, my Lady."

In truth manners state that he should have given one final bow before departing from her quarters yet the lure of throwing a cheeky salute was just one thing too many to completely ignore. The look of bafflement was absolutely worth it as too as were those precious few minutes for old time's sake. There was no way of knowing that new gears were in motion and a new threat would spark only hours from now from within the very same room thus he is allowed to remain in blissful (If a bit slorr covered) ignorance until everything would come crashing down in blood.

~~~

When Claire finds him it is within the old room they had squirreled within the castle where the wizard had huddled up in one of the corners uncaring for the cold stone floor and with his familiar curled up on his lap with a steady purr in an attempt to keep him grounded before the tears come to claim what little ability to function he has left. One arm has wrapped around his chest while the other is buried in fur moving almost robotically and his gaze barely seems focused on anything at all. There has clearly been attempts to distract himself at some point from how there are scattered mementos and books of this past life all around but none of these had done anything for the image of her face that haunts his consciousness. Both the sheer betrayal he saw before slipping over the edge her death and the legendary sword Excalibur shattering in the aftermath for what it had caused and he couldn't seem to make it _stop_. It wasn't supposed to happen and yet, _and yet_ , the timeline is now violently unstable all because the thought of either sibling dying was too much for his heart to take and the guilt of failure hangs ever so bitterly upon his shoulders.

By irony, he _had_ thought he'd have more time before either Steve or her found him in here but alas like many things it seems it was not to be.

Because of this it is left to Archie who first notices the teen bringing over some of the few soft furnishings the place is graced with, lifting his head to watch curiously as she folds one neatly to kneel on. The rest are then offered to Douxie who looks at the hand with confused bleary eyes then seems to snap into some form of recognition for what is happening around him and throws on his trademark customer service face as though nothing else was ever there to see.

"Sorry sorry, miles away! You alright? Not exactly the warmest place to be spending your nights when you have a proper room to head back to," he says apologetically whilst taking them with care before showing them to the current cat for a proper inspection out of habit more than anything.

"Funny, was about to say the same thing to you."

He blinks numbly in response to her bemused expression completely unable to register what she could mean at all thus derailing any thought process he might have had for what he was supposed to do with the blanket after it was checked over. A paw gives his leg a light tap of reassurance while the owner addresses her in his stead so that he may yet rediscover the usage of the English language.

"He needed some time to think about one or two things alone, the conversation with Merlin did not go particularly well I am afraid which has made a rather long trying day even longer."

"Understatement," he mutters bleakly in return. After a shake of his head to try and get his act together he twists enough to tuck the blanket behind him whilst being ever keen to move the conversation away from himself specifically.

"Don't worry all been there done that and everything in between, just taking a bit of processing everything being so... different suppose could call it. Kinda hard to explain. Anyway! What about you? I know it wasn't fer long but you did get to see the _real_ Morgana le Fey that history seems a bit too gleeful to paint as never existing."

Claire sucks in a breath which he suspects it is a stall to wonder whether or not to poke him a little more given the blatant deflection but from the way both are looking at her expectantly she concedes by giving them one instead despite badly wanting to.

"It's strange to try and reconcile that they're the same person in a way I guess, like that intensity was there? But not the whole chaotic need to destroy everything for the sake of it thing, more of a will to give justice a voice and do the right thing despite her brother's whole anything magic is evil and will kill us all blah blah blah..." she muses aloud with a furrowed brow, looking down at her own palms filled with judgement though as to what specifically he's once again left in the dark.

"This might sound horrible but it never really _occurred_ to me she could care about anyone? Yet that was the very reason she ended up lashing out. I guess I never really thought of her as a real person before or that she ever had been, only as this evil witch that thought it'd be fun to possess me, try and kill Jim that just went and snowballed into worse and worse from there."

The movement at first is slight but within another beat Archie has stretched himself from his temporary residence to gently press into her side with his tail coiled on top of her feet as warm support. Douxie follows his lead by reaching over to lay a hand on her shoulder very much like the now deceased had done for him only the day before. The internal sting is ignored.

" _Hey_ it's not your fault, mean you had no way of knowing what came before this whole Mother of Monsters or an Eldritch Queen hellbent on destroying everything and us with it. You only got to see what'd happened _after_ those she trusted the most turned their backs one too many times to the suffering of others while chasing after excuses to justify why they could. S'why they say ignorance is bliss, the truth can be a seriously sour thing to bear," he says with a soothing tone trying to reassure as best as he's able to try whilst intent on stopping the train of thought going any places it shouldn't be.

"It might sound weird but we were kinda close in a sense I guess, like she was the one who no matter how much I screwed up or struggled would try and coax the problem out of me or what I needed to do to fix it without ever trying to patronise when I was more, ugh, _tolerable_ in age. If willing to let me ramble a bit, Morgana might have come from privilege I could only ever dream of but she still understood what it was like to grow up where even breathing wrong condemned you for life unlike anyone else I met at the time? All three of them had lost the same person but in the end I think she was the only one who allowed herself to do more than simply stew in repentance for the rest of their lives, honoured but without becoming entirely consumed by it."

Douxie pauses with a small smile that is heavily waned and wry, the smallest slip allowing his true age to show on a face that is far too young to bear it.

"There is nothing to be found in a gilded cage that you make for yourself and it's a lesson I took to heart, kinda like how carrying the stories of those you meet allows their memories to live far beyond them. You grieve because it's the natural reaction to what happened and there will be times when it's hard to get up in the morning because your chest feels like a leaden weight, but you can either consign yourself to that forever or you can learn to **live**. I think that's what the she woulda wanted for me anyway and I've no doubt she would for _you_ too. You made an impression, Claire, a good one at that so don't allow the remorse of what ifs start to chain you down too."

Gently she is drawn into a hug she clearly is needing brought along with a loudly purring cat wrapping himself around the pair of them stretching as long as he can muster to ensure idle fingers can touch his coat. They both know grief as closely as you may a friend who has graced their presence one time too many unexpectantly and the true value of comfort that can be offered when it still feels at it's most raw. Thus he will not speak of how twice now he has been forced to first _hear_ second hand and now _watch_ as the person who was a lot like an older sister threw herself willingly into future damnation while knowing deep down there is not a thing that could have done to stop it despite how selfishly he tried to do it anyway. Of how he really hopes that somewhere deep under all that anger she can forgive him too for not managing to be the person she needed _him_ to be either.

Then the most bitter thought of them all: That she knows of the final goodbye he never quite seems able to say.

**Author's Note:**

> It was a shame we didn't get any chance to explore the relationship between these two in canon, her being like the older sister he'd never had and while never were the closest it was still enough that when the Time Map flickered blue with HER death he still refused to let it happen. Every life might be precious but to him, the found family he managed to cobble together even more so. Personally I believe she knew it was him but not or at least able to put enough pieces together that something was up, during their fight she specifically said "Little Douxie finally gets his staff, just in time to die with it!" showing both enough familiarity to use his preferred name and well he was sure waiting a long time (Ironically) to earn the thing.
> 
> There was such a tiny window where this conversation would be possible and damnit I wanted to give it.


End file.
